CHAPEU!

                                          We can´t change who we are

  essentially....
we can work to improve.... correct things we don´t like...
   we can aspire to become better...

but we can´t change who we are.

I want to believe people are good. But it is much more than wanting. It is in me. Part of my blue print. I can be proven wrong.... and I still believe in it. THAT is what makes me ME.

I can try and paint commercial, something pretty and nice, much to the licking of everybody. But somewhere, along the road... something I can´t control happens and the project gets messy... CHAOS arrives, and I ,
           wake up, smile, and follow. IT is real, it is me.

"But you have talent" - they say.. "you can create pretty... you can make money !!!!" why not try????
Believe me, "I HAVE"....
                       and would definitely not mind having a bank account that does not bark at me every time I look in its direction.....
                                            BUT ... I just can´t. I AM, what I AM.

sometimes... the story for my blog unfolds as I paint....
    mostly it starts in the shape of a question....
                                       today... as I was playfully messing up my blank canvas (this time no intention at creating pretty - just have fun!)
   I had in mind i wanted a Minotaur.

                          as my brush overjoyed as a child at being allowed to do whatever it wants....

My mind grabbed from the music playing in the background the words "you can´t change who you are!"
 Whenever this happens... I mean, that I am pulled away from my trance on to something else... I ask myself "WHY?"     What has the fact of us not being able to change who we are, got to do with my Minotaur?

Four days I have played and fooled around with my piece... figures have slowly emerged...
    the minotaur  (1)- much smaller than I had anticipated, bowing... lifting his top hat in reverence,
       Chapeu!!!!!

                                          2) A little girl... a child...
                                          dancing happily... innocent.. on a field of Diamonds...

 the small but so important pearls of life... scattered around, here and there... invisible to those who are not aware.

             3) A naked woman bathing in the sun... throwing away the towel that has been covering her... unafraid to let the warmth of the world caress her skin.... unafraid to be... HERSELF! Unravelling the key... to a happy life. Her Life.

             4)  A painter, me... with the silhouette of a child on the rim of his artsy beret... supporting a lost feminine soul 5) (who merges into the Minotaur)

    At first, when I heard that we can´t change who we are....
                        I did not like the feeling  the statement gave me.
BUT ... I think I understand now.
    because it is not about changing who we are - for the better...
        But unveiling who we really are!
                                         Finding ourselves.... and treasuring the REAL us.
THAT is why the Minotaur bows...
       Strong, powerful, mystical....
                            and so proud of this weak, introverted, shy, afraid soul
       Who dares to unveil herself....
                                   and rejoice in what she is.
                    Really show her true colours.

We can not change who we are... what we should focus on is changing who we are not! When pondering on ourselves we might find out that some of the things we consider "weaknesses" are actually what makes us beautiful....
                these weaknesses we must work on to make them our strengths!
and then there are things about us we really don´t like....
               the ones I believe are not really us... but inlearnt methods of adapting to life.

                              These are the ones to be changed!

A good week behind...
                                    and so....
                    I enjoy my morning with a fresh start.... wondering where it will lead me!
                                 

                                          This time listening to "Bad" (U2).... if I could....

Fat Charlie the Archangel

   

This time I am inspired by a blog one of my friends wrote... whilst in France inspired by a sculpture depicting love in the shape of an angel, and the soul as a butterfly with fragile wings. In his story he tells about a conversation he overhears between the two... and later, his opinion on the subject when asked what he thinks as a human about what they have been discussing.

    the Butterfly is seduced by the playful angel (as the soul is by love)... but from experience it knows about the danger there is in committing to a game where your heart can be torn and broken - hence its fragility.

 There is this song I love ,"fat Charlie the Archangel"... by Paul Simon, with lyrics that start like this:

                             FAT CHARLIE the archangel
 sloped into the room.... saying I have no opinion about this...
                                                    and I have no opinion about that...
        ...  I don´t want no part of this crazy love.... I don´t want no part of your love....

so he files for divorce.
    But he is left with a big problem.... there is still all that weight to be lost!

                                          I can vividly picture him sloping into the room....

                         and I soooooo love the idea of him representing love... and torn by the thought that he has no opinion about anything... filing for divorce as he worries about his extra kilos. =D His name, too, is much to my liking... Charlie...!!!!! a common, everyday ordinary solid and sympathetic name.
Charlie is one of us... Charlie is me... Charlie is YOU.....

   I always wonder as I see him swooning in the air... is it so bad that he is a bit overweight???? and why is he????
     I mean, it could be a metaphor for plenty... he is full of love after all.
Is it Charlie really who is worried about his extra kilos... or society that makes him think so?

I think he says he has no saying in anything because he feels troubled with the powers that have been granted him...
     like, hey,,,, I signed up to deliver something that is wonderful... and nobody REALLy understands it!!!!!

   ANYWAY... back to the original story.
          As I read the text I immediately felt I strongly disagreed with the fact of the soul being a FRAGILE butterfly > stressing the fragile... that is.
   Because for me, soul and love are one and the same > hence their attraction to each other. And I believe they are both really strong and powerful. I do like the soul depicted as a butterfly, smaller than the angel... because is is only a small part of love (itself)... the rest being all the other souls sloping around the universe.

                                                    (many ways for these fluttering souls,
                                                    all leading to the same place)
 
    I think the reason why the soul might be mistaken for something fragile is that we tend to confuse it with the EGO....
      a self preservation mechanism that makes us wary of getting hurt, change .... risk....
          a mechanism that concentrates purely on benefit and itself > basically, what makes one butterfly different from another =D
    a mechanism that uses fear to control.

In the blog the butterfly tells AMOR that it has not lost faith, and knows the right one is out there... and asks is it now, this time. I believe that is a question many of us have asked ourselves... and I feel it is a WRONG question > despite being a teacher and loving all kinds of questions.
    The problem with the question is we tend to imagine there is ONE  REAL love, the right one...
and only one.

Charlie is FAT... full of plenty.... a bit of it in every soul. And the ONLY way to learn about Charlie is to know that. Every LOVE we find along the way... is the RIGHT one for THAT moment. In the words of Khalil Gibran... accept what comes to you, enjoy and understand it... and then let go!
             

   which is usually the hard part... to let go.... because Ego scares us to believe we are alone, we have been dumped... we are worthless... we should not have taken the risk.

this being said, in questions of love, I believe the butterfly would not ask if it is the right one to Charlie... cause he is always right, and there to make us grow and become fulfilled.

    I think or mission in Life is to become less egoistical,
                                                           and care for others....
                

  when scared we are but a butterfly in its cocoon....
        when open to love we have wings.... to fly from one flower to another. Each in its own time, each with its own flavour and teachings... some needing more time than others.... all following the rule enjoy the moment while it lasts ....
                                  and don´t be afraid to enjoy it fully.

I believe when Jesus sacrificed himself he was just trying to show us that we HAVE to get rid of EGO, to be open for love.

                                                     (el monte de los olivos)

   In my life, probably the most beautiful act of Love I have been aware of, or that comes to mind now... was when my wife, companion for 20 years (society wants me to call her EX though she will definitely NEVER be that)... accepted becoming GODMOTHER to INDA... my new star created in a new Love relationship.

                                                                  Now THAT is one strong,
                                                          colourful....
                             and amazing BUTTERFLY!

looking at the dark... uhma

                                         Trotz.... defiance, confrontation....

I believe Inda is going through that.Don´t know if it is a result of her teething.... the pain, the itching... the unconscious understanding that she is transforming from a cuddly baby into a creature with sharp tools.... something to help tear, wear, cut. A survival tool.
      Or is it age????? I hear from many a mother that their kids (1,8 years old) are also rebelling against everything... screaming because you dress them, throwing themselves in fits to the floor... acting or as I like to say, over reacting to life.

Funny thing is - actually not so funny but interesting.... that I am undergoing a similar phase! I am not teething, but transforming: from a lively happy youngster into a grumpy old man. Might this also be a survival tool????

                                                   I remember being the most positive

of positive people.... I would wake up in the morning.... full of energy... happy... feeling the sun was shining on me... and the universe was on my side. I was lucky.... things just seemed to organize themselves... good things just came. Paul Simon might have said I was a boy with diamonds on the soles of my shoes =D
    My concern was mostly, I guess, for myself.... about how to become the best of artists... how to be able to capture true beauty (physical I am now inclined to believe it was for a long time). I did not have a clear map about how I might get to my target.... but had planned that by constant practise and a steady pace i would get there.
   With time I got married and got a child... and naturally my concern spread to their well being... and so... a bit away from mine. I sometimes ponder this opening up to the well being of others happened a bit too late... I kind of regret not having been able to share it more with my parents - even if I did try and make up for it at the end.

I became a teacher.... my new goal being to become the best at this. =D

     And slowly, happily... I walked my path shinning from morning till dusk....

And then I got to this cross-road....
         a perfect word for my current Trotz place.
It is always hard to say when one phase starts and another one ends.... but I like to pin my Trotz to my visit to the moon house.

                                                         It started off with a sense of
super power... together with a feeling of unjustness.
     my superpower being a tool to really make a change if I set my mind to it. For ten 10 my powers just increased, every day stronger, every day brighter... sharper. In the end I did not need to eat, or sleep... the universe was talking to me and I was understanding it. I saw how it all works and where society has gone wrong.
   However, human as I am... still being son of god and a child of good... my new non sleep non eat diet ended up my delight and so I left for the moon house on a Monday (the moon day - of course! =D
In my new seclusion I spent my days with wonderful, sensitive people... all crippled by the blueprint our society has set for us.

                                                      A mysterious darkness had crept

into my colour full home.... I started noticing change. What are we doing???? why this, why that??? and worst of all... I don´t like...
    I don´t like that our children have to start worrying about a career at the age of 12... I don´t like that diplomas and certificates are the value youngsters are judged with... I don´t like that when you want to start a small enterprise (like I am trying to do) the biggest concern is how much money will it make....
           Hell.... I noticed I don´t even like ready printed Christmas cards at all ( saddening how we find ourselves in a situation where we would like to remember all our cherished ones but we don´t have time to write I love you... )...

     I know, i know.... its called the mid-life crises... biggest of Trotz one ever gets. The time in life when you get this sensation that you really would like to make a difference. And... with the direction we have given our society... I believe the trotz is just going to get tougher and tougher as time goes on.
      For one... how can we make a difference when everything that has to do with human values is underrated and badly supported????? Talk about charity, helping, creating foundations of good will... and all you get is "that does not make money"... or "that's not really IN in our country". Tell your parents you are going to devote your life to save environment and they will go white with fear =O

       How come everything that is important is badly payed?

                                          Having spent all my life walking on my pink clouds,
                                     of beauty and love....

I refuse to become grumpy (can´t do anything about getting old!). And so I make a steady effort to see, and feel, and be aware of all that is good.
   Today... it was my studio!!!!
                             

                                         As I prepared my coffee I looked at what is around me...
Warm light, inviting.... lots of sketches and attempts at keeping creativity alive. A curious black "hulrak" cat... interested, alert... enjoying the moment.
Peace.
         I just love it when things look play full, handmade... time taking creations packed with love, care and attention.
A bit of this, and that... everyday life in a selection ... my selection.
                                          

                                          A new perspective....

sun emerging over my bed...
                              on the floor - with bad mattress... > still cozy and wonderful dream playground.
"hulrak" following my every move... curious  yet alive!

   Yellow warmth in a wintry Finland.

                                          Closer to where I paint another cat, "Tylypi"...

comfortably on a felt handwoven rug....
    my camera.... projects.....
                                      roses looking out of the window into the freezing morning.

                                         A view straight from my bed... everything set so

that when I am lying down I get a good view into my corner of miracles.... I call it that because it is where I create...
          but mostly because it is where I get my strength from. Here I escape from my hurts... I forget the pain in my knees or my back... I obliviate all my don´t likes and grumpy feelings....
And charge myself with positive.
     Some do the same by taking long walks, or jogging in nature.
                    others meditate.
                          Some get it from a good sweat-out in the gym.
I seldom have time for that. Too much to say.

                                                               Sun starts shining outside...
and inside.
     My third cat, "Nyyrmikki"... enjoying the sound of melodies with good, meaningful lyrics.

                                                       Purring as my "worked up" positive

mood caresses her sleep. I look at her and absorb her calm.
   I need it. As I mentioned earlier on in this text, I am used to having things come to me, not looking for them. However, for a while now... I have been forced to the opposite... forced to think what I want to do with my grumpy old age,forced to try and find solutions... how can I best use my talents to help others - but also make a living =D

 I know I need to be patient... the answer will come.

                                              A piece I am working on... reflecting in colours all

i have tried to put in words above.
    Raw, unfinished... and a bit broken....
                 but I find it still to be peaceful....
                                and charged with hope.

This chapter on Trotz was inspired by an HBO series I have been watching... "Enlightened"... with Laura Dern magnificently portraying the difficulty of becoming aware and wanting to change things... to make a difference.
    It seems to me that the more spiritual you become.... the more human you want to be... mind and matter unite.... and for some strange reason....
                                     The more human you are the less humans want to deal with you.

Fortunately for me.... at this my new grumpy old age...
                                         I have been blessed with a well of purity
                                          and joy
                                          I can drink from.

                     
                                          <3  <3  <3